I am very upset by the breakup. How to survive parting with a loved one easier: psychologist's advice for women and men

The situation of separation from loved ones is familiar, perhaps, to everyone. Many overcome this with a calm soul and quickly find themselves a new passion. And someone has to suffer for a long time. Because of this, the question: "how to survive a breakup with a loved one" excites many people.

Saying goodbye to a loved one is always painful. Emotional pain and apathy are true companions of separation. It is much more difficult to get used to this thought when you have already become emotionally attached, "attached" to another. How to easily survive parting with a loved one? The advice of a psychologist can help in this difficult matter.

Parting at the peak of feelings is tantamount to surgery without anesthesia.

Oksana NeRobkaya. Have a banker. Capital Love Story

Breakup Formula

In this case, the advice of psychologists will come in handy. They will help you calm down and build a clear plan of action, and will allow you not to fall into. Thanks to such advice, a person in a short time will be able to feel spiritual relief and open up to something new and beautiful.

Experts say that the period of experiencing separation can take up to three years - it all depends on the person's psychotype. How to survive parting with a loved one easily?

How to survive a breakup with a loved one: advice from a psychologist

• Stage 1. "Splash out" your emotions outward.
  It would not be strange, but at first it will be more useful to suffer. Take a day off from work. Going headlong into business will not work - there is a chance of making a lot of mistakes. During this period, it is better to rest.

  It will be easier to survive a breakup after you mourn alone with yourself, take a walk alone in the park in the morning when there are not very many people, or cry and let your best friend listen to you. Such a process will allow you to "empty" and create space for new feelings.

  Now the main thing is to feel the situation. But here it is important to set yourself a strict deadline for "depression", otherwise you can fall into the trap of negative emotions for a long time. Everything is good in moderation!

• Stage 2. "Burn all bridges."
  Probably the hardest part. No wonder our ancestors said "Out of sight, out of mind." At first, it is especially tempting to call / write to the person with whom you broke up. Most agree on one thing - you need to get rid of everything that connected with your loved one.

  To begin with, it will be useful to delete all correspondence (SMS messages, dialogues in social networks). Adding to blacklists and unsubscribing from updates is also worth it. After a breakup, many people get rid of all the gifts of their loved ones - and in most cases this helps pretty quickly.

  But there are so-called force majeure circumstances. For example, you and your ex-partner work together. What then? Giving up what you love and looking for a new one is not an option.

  Try to avoid contact with this person for at least a month. Psychologists have proven that just such a period is able to develop immunity and subsequently it will be much easier to communicate.

• Stage 3. Don't give up moral support.
  It would be appropriate to consult a psychologist in this situation. Sessions with a specialist can easily replace evening gatherings with girlfriends/friends. This will help you gradually return to normal life.
• Stage 4. Appearance is our everything.
  In most cases, the pain of parting is reflected in the appearance. And not in the best way. Lack of sleep and stress instantly manifest in the form of dark circles under the eyes, a tired look. And many people forget about taking care of themselves. Hence the untidy appearance. Never forget about yourself!

  Competent makeup, hairstyle, manicure and a properly selected wardrobe must be present in the image of any self-respecting woman. And it doesn’t matter at what age the bitterness of parting overtook, at least at 19, at least at 40 years old.

Breaking up is a big thing.
It always seems to give more than it takes.
Sam Rockwell

To make it easier to survive this difficult life stage, first you need to accept this fact as a given. You broke up and that can't be changed. “Sprinkling ashes on your head” is not necessary, and it makes no sense to think what would happen if you acted differently. What can help men in such a situation?

What exactly NOT to do

1. Instantly forget in the arms of another / other.
   The most popular and destructive mistake among people going through a breakup. It is possible that in the first moments it will become easier. But this is not a panacea for sadness. Subsequently, you will only drive yourself more into depression.
2. Look for salvation in alcohol.
   In addition to the fact that it is harmful to health, such a hobby will not bring moral satisfaction. As a result, in the morning you will wake up not only with the same thoughts, but also with a headache.
3. Disable all communications. Isolate yourself from society.
   Remember that your family and friends need you. Forget about them for a long time is not worth it.
4. To think that this is a temporary separation.
   It happened, and you need to accept this fact. Let this person go, do not hold a grudge or anger on him.
5. Don't fall for the tricks of your brain.
   Our mind is a complex and multifaceted thing. And, sometimes, when we don’t even want to think about something or completely forget, the brain can suddenly give us “lost” information.

Switch to what you are really interested in in the present. Over time, these thoughts will either go away altogether, or will no longer bother you so much.

And what about after?

1. Find an interesting hobby for yourself. No matter how trite it may sound, but hobbies contribute to improving mood, as well as expanding the worldview. You will not notice how you will feel a surge of new strength and a desire to create something new and interesting. In addition, many hobbies will contribute to new acquaintances. For example, dancing is one of the most popular modern hobbies. With this activity, it is possible to kill “two birds with one stone” at once: keep your body in great shape and meet interesting people.
2. Change your perception. As already mentioned, do not rush into a new relationship immediately after breaking up. Separation also has its advantages. You will have time to think about your mistakes and what you can change in yourself. In addition, this is a great opportunity to understand more what kind of person you need for. You now have plenty of time to analyze your actions.
3. About the change of scenery. Very actionable advice. If possible, change your usual environment. Move to another city or country. Such trips help to conduct better introspection, and unnecessary thoughts are guaranteed to disappear from your head.
4. Plan out your life. Previously, you had common life goals and landmarks for two. Now you are alone with yourself, it's time to reconsider your views and priorities.

The worst part of a breakup is not the breakup itself.
And the fact that they constantly repeat to you that you made a mistake.
And as a result, you stop trusting yourself for a while.
Kristen Stewart

healing week

1. 1st day. Start keeping a diary. A great way to express all your emotions. Write down your daily experiences. Over time, you will be able to trace the gradation of self-improvement. With each week, emotions will become more positive.
2. 2nd day. Give yourself a present. It doesn't matter if it's a trip to the hairdresser, a day at the spa, or a trip to an amusement park. The main goal of such a day is relaxation and pleasant emotions.
3. 3rd day. Review your diet and exercise. It is not necessary to go on a strict diet and spend days in the gym. Morning exercises will be appropriate, which will then become a habit. It is enough to start every day with 10 minutes of light exercise, and the flow of endorphins will rush into your blood. This clears your head of unnecessary thoughts, and you can focus on the really important things.
4. 4th day. Appearance. It has already been said above that the appearance should always be well-groomed. This gives confidence. After separation, the desire to take care of yourself often disappears. Overcome it and remember that looking great is a daily work that is necessary under any circumstances.
5. 5th day. Arrange a field trip. A small picnic will help you relax and put things in order.
6. 6th day. Spend time with friends. Don't lock yourself in. Communication will help not to lose heart, to be distracted.
7. 7th day. End the week with something fun. It doesn't matter if it's reading, cooking or watching TV shows.

Of all the tips, the following main points can be distinguished:

1. Put a bold point

2. Drive away persistent thoughts

At this stage of life, auto-training is useful. Praise yourself for any little things, admire yourself. Life is Beautiful!

3. Say no to hate

Forgive your ex / ex, because anger and hatred will become a real hindrance to new feelings. Reflect on your mistakes and do not blame your ex-chosen one.

4. You must understand that you cannot return the past

Separation from loved ones is always sad. And for many it is very difficult. To the obvious question in such a situation, “How to survive parting with a loved one?” advice from a psychologist can provide an answer.

The end of a relationship is not the end, but the very beginning for a new life, new discoveries and adventures. Remember this and be happy.

Question for readers

Almost everyone goes through a breakup in their life. The rupture of relations is considered normal and natural, since it is not always possible to immediately find your person, with whom not only strong feelings will arise, but also a desire to be together all your life. Often people fall in love or briefly light up with feelings, and then part in various ways. How to survive a breakup for someone who was not the initiator of the breakup?

Parting is experienced quite hard for the reason that a person has strong feelings for a former partner. It is much harder to experience a breakup when there are feelings. Even the one who breaks up may regret the perfect act if he actually still feels something for the one with whom he broke up.

Breaking up a relationship is easily tolerated by those who do not have feelings for a former partner. He feels relief and a sense of freedom after realizing that he no longer has to see and be indebted to his partner.

By the way, feelings are checked. The Internet magazine site understands that at the moment of parting, the rational recedes into the background, you want to cry and feel sorry for yourself. However, try to distract yourself from your tears for at least a minute. Realize that parting will allow you to:

1. Check the feelings of an ex-partner who will definitely return if he really loves you. Otherwise, he will not come to put up.
2. Understand your own feelings for a partner, which are also rarely realized as they really are.

How to survive a breakup?

Parting. This is one of the most unwanted and unpleasant events in a person's life. However, everyone periodically encounters this phenomenon. Friends leave someone, relatives leave another, the third loses children. But the most terrible and painful parting is when a loved one leaves you.

Why is it so painful? After all, you won’t say that you experience joy and happiness when someone leaves you? Of course, if you leave someone, you do not experience a heavy and oppressive feeling inside. In this case, you may be sad or a little ashamed. However, you don’t get depressed, you don’t shed tears, you don’t reproach yourself for mistakes, that is, you don’t do what the person who was dumped usually does.

So why does a breakup hurt so much? Being in a non-existent reality, refusing to accept the real - that's what causes the main pain. When a person stubbornly refuses to rebuild, in this case, negative emotions, instead of really disappearing as they get used to the new reality, turn into an instrument of torture. A person, by an effort of will, refuses to believe in what happened, but nevertheless he is constantly in contact with it and worries. He gets angry at the facts, feels fear, despair, hopelessness, but does not draw any conclusions. By an effort of will, driving away thoughts that may question his former beliefs, and ignoring facts that do not fit into the picture of his inner world, a person continues to suffer greatly and for a long time.

That is, until you accept reality with your whole being, you will be angry, despair, annoyed. As long as you keep the situation of parting to yourself, returning and returning to the past, where you were with your loved one, you will not be able to rebuild, realize reality, accept it and live on, already without your soulmate.

This is why a person experiences pain after parting with a close and beloved person, because he does not want to believe that the relationship has come to an end. As long as you hold on to the bond with another person who has left you, you will suffer. Sometimes such suffering drags on not only for months, but for whole years. Don't you feel sorry for this time spent on someone you can't bring back? Do you feel sorry for wasting your health and emotional peace on something that has already passed?

Of course, you will not be able to immediately accept reality and live without worries. You should give yourself some time for your conscious and subconscious to get used to the fact of separation from your loved one. Allow yourself to cry, scream, blame yourself and others. Don't keep all the negativity in you. Spilling out emotions will help you calm down, relax and return to the reality in which you now live. And most importantly - remember that it is the acceptance of what is happening and the present state of affairs that will allow you to quickly get rid of the pain of parting and return to life as soon as possible, where you can find someone who wants to be with you for many years.

How to survive a breakup with a loved one?

A great and common piece of advice for those who are going through a breakup with loved ones is to bide your time. Over time, any feelings pass or become dull. And if the former partner is not seen or heard, then the process of forgetting will be very fast. What's the secret?

Scientists talk about the appearance of falling in love and affection due to a hormonal surge that occurs at the time of the meeting of two people. This hormonal "boom" occurs in all people who eventually start dating. But it passes, that's why "hormonal love" becomes eternal. The maximum period of a hormonal surge reaches 3 years. But for each person, this period may be different. If your partner has cooled off feelings, it means that his hormones have ceased to affect him. He left because the hormones stopped playing in the blood.

If you are still hormonally attached to a person, then it is worth the wait. Your hormones will also stop playing soon, and love will pass to the one who broke off the relationship. It just turned out that your partner's "hormonal boom" went faster than yours.

How do people deal with breakups?

Each person experiences parting with a loved one in their own way. Depression and a decrease in self-esteem during the period of experiencing a breakup become frequent. This is due to the fact that a person is reconstructed. He needs to get used to a lifestyle that will be devoted to himself and will not include an ex-partner.

Scientists say that people are having a hard time parting, not because someone left them, but because they no longer receive those emotions and sensations that they experienced in relationships with partners. In other words, people do not miss their former partners, but the emotions that they received next to them.

Each person experiences a breakup differently. There are two main positions:

1. - when a person feels sorry for himself, cries, feels helpless and unable to do anything, cannot influence circumstances, takes offense at the former.
2. - when a person hates, shows anger and aggression against the one who left him.

Can a loving person break up over a trifle? This question becomes especially exciting when not you, but your partner initiated a break in relations, while you are absolutely not ready to leave. A person who says he loves you leaves you, and some trifle is the reason for your separation (petty quarrel, misunderstanding, bad mood, etc.).

If a person loves, then he will endure a lot and go through many difficulties. But if a person does not love, then any little thing will become a reason for parting.

Think for yourself: if something is very important and valuable to you, you agree to give it up just because you are in a bad mood or there are some difficulties. Of course, you are upset because of the problems, then calmed down, resigned, you return to what you value and love. And when something is not important or valuable to you, how do you behave? You are happy to refuse it both with or without reason. But since breaking off relations for no reason does not look very nice and understandable, a person who does not love is only waiting for the slightest oversight on the part of a partner in order to leave him (and at the same time be right in the eyes of others and his own).

Can a loving person break up over a trifle? No, he can not. He can leave for a day or two to calm down, but then return to the one he loves. If there is no love, then any trifle will become a reason for parting.

How do women deal with breakups?

Women more often painfully experience parting with their beloved men. Psychologists often face the fact that women have a love addiction to those with whom the relationship has collapsed. Love addiction makes women see the reasons for the gap in themselves, engage in self-flagellation, suffer and not notice anything around them.

It is not uncommon for women to turn to psychologists in order to get rid of suffering due to a break in relationships. Psychologists direct the work to restore women's self-esteem and bring them back to reality.

How do men deal with breakups?

Men are no less difficult to endure a breakup, but they behave in a different way. Men often begin to drink too much or use illegal drugs, walk or, conversely, lock themselves in the house. It seems to many that quick flings and sex with other women will help in experiences. However, it is not. Intimacy relieves physical stress, but does not help in solving mental problems. Usually, women who appear in a man's life immediately after a breakup do not stay long in his life.

Normally, a man is going through a breakup if the decision to break up the relationship was mutual or not so unexpected.

Each person will decide for himself how to survive the breakup. However, the psychologist gives the following advice:

1. Do not get hung up on the problem, occupy your head with other things, worries, questions.
2. Try to repair the relationship if possible.
3. Distract yourself with various things: work, new hobbies, new acquaintances, etc.

Outcome

In love relationships, it is not uncommon for partners to break up. It is at this moment, when the relationship is “hanging by a thread”, that the partners ask themselves: should they leave or return their loved one?

Leave or stay? Quit or go back? On the one hand, you understand that your union has ceased to please, but on the other hand, you still want to continue what you had. How to act in such a situation?

The wise truth says the following: you need to leave when you understand that you do not love your partner. If you feel that you do not want to be near the one with whom you have a relationship, then you can safely leave. It doesn't make sense to keep something that doesn't really exist. If at least one of the partners no longer wants to be with his companion, it is better to part than torturing yourself and your “partner in grief”.

However, if the breakup is provoked by some problems, a disagreement of opinions, fatigue or an emotional quarrel, then it is better to return everything back. If you broke up out of stupidity (otherwise you can’t call an emotional quarrel), then you will suffer because of your act.

In psychology, there is such a thing as "incomplete relationship." This is when the partners broke up only on the external level, but on the psychological and emotional level they still continue to meet. This state of affairs can be observed quite often. Former spouses continue to communicate, sometimes make love, the man continues to help the former in her work, the woman continues to get bored and sometimes meet with the former - these and many other cases when the former partners broke up, but continue to maintain some kind of contacts, indicate that in fact, they continue the relationship. People did not part on the psychological and emotional levels, which means they did something stupid when they broke the union on the outer plane.

Separated. Leave or return? To correctly answer this question, answer another: if you break up, will you be free and happy? If you are happy with your lonely existence, then you really need to leave. However, if you understand that you will be unhappy and bored after parting, then it is better to direct your efforts towards normalizing the relationship. You are not ready to leave, which means that you have the opportunity to change everything and make sure that there is no longer a question of parting, because you are happy in your relationship with your loved one.

To leave and forget - it will not work out; to leave and not feel pain - it will not work out; to leave and live happily and comfortably is also an illusion.

One will recover from this disease in six months, and the other will suffer all his life, without breaking the connection with that person, he will not be able to recover. Causes of lingering damage: codependence, pessimism, mental laziness, or simply the need to be close to a loved one, love him and feel with all his being that you are loved. Such a need cannot be buried. Yes, it is natural for humans. It is important to realize it, not be ashamed, and even be proud of the desire, the ability to love.

There is only one way to forget a significant person with whom so much is connected: run, hit your head on a post, or get some other injury, as a result of which amnesia will come. So it's better not to try to forget. But what about the monstrousanger, resentment, guilt, fear, despair, grief, depression, feelings of worthlessness, emptiness? - Get over a breakup.

CATHARSIS

Parting is always accompanied by a powerful storm of destructive and negative emotions. leading among them anger and resentment. Often a person tries to extinguish these emotions in destructive ways: alcohol, drugs, gluttony. Gluttony and as a means to fill the inner void. These emotions cannot be suppressed, it is dangerous to repress them. – break out in psychosomatics or lead to depression, destroy from the inside. These emotions can only be thrown out: shouting, crying, sobbing, you can beat a double-folded towel or a tennis racket on the bed, beat the pillows with your fists. The task will be completed if, instead of incredible emotional stress, you experience physical impotence.

Another way of catharsis is to stand under running water and sob uncontrollably. There is also a direct relationship between emotions and increased physical activity. Jogging, swimming, boxing will help to throw out negativity and tension, while emotions must be “thrown out” in intense physical movements.

FORGIVE

Anger and resentment prevent forgiveness. And it does not matter: he (she) left (la) or you. In situations of parting, if an emotional connection with each other is maintained, there is always resentment and anger in the heart. These feelings form a trap of strong dependence on who you had to part with. Getting rid of anger and resentment, you will get rid of the obsessive desire to think about this person, suffering will become more bearable.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

Resentment, anger are shackles that chain you to each other. Write a letter to this person, describe in it all your grievances and forgive for them. You don't need to send a letter.

Remember why you fell in love with him (her), what he (she) gave you (a). Wish happiness and let go of yourself. Be kind to your ex. This is a worthy, majestic act, which testifies to a strong, developed personality, and not to a hysterical weak-willed character, the humiliation of which does not even cause pity.

Only by forgiving, you weaken the connection with your loved one, and with anger and resentment, knit a tight rope that connects you forever. It is important to adequately get out of this difficult life situation.

MAKE A DECISION

Hesitations, doubts, throwing: “What if it still works out”, swing: “They agreed– then parted ”completely unsettle, delay the process parting, as a result, melancholy, depression, apathy. In many ways, this is reminiscent of the stage of experiencing loss, the death of a close “Bargain” by Elizabeth Ross. However, if you could not stand it and got back together, most likely the period of euphoria from the “Honeymoon” will be replaced by regrets from the fact that you showed weakness and came to what you were running from, and now everything is going in circles again.

Here you need to share. tangled up in relations – take a break for a certain period, take a timeout. Do you want to adjust relations – analyze the mistakes made, and go! But if you really break up, then this should not be a hysterical trick or an escape from problems, but the result of a conscious decision. Breake down». Make a decision and stick to it. Your job is to learn to live without it loved one, completely excluding him from his life, breaking the connection with him. Leave, do not call up, do not correspond, do not look at her / him on social networks, do not make inquiries about her / him and do not look for meetings with each other, do not go to memorable places. "Yes, it was fine, but that's the past." Solve all your problems on your own, without turning to him for help or advice. It is important to maintain self-esteem and not be humiliated. Form new habits that have nothing to do with him (her). Be active, create and create your new life. 2 hours a day of catharsis from grief and loss, and the rest of the time should be filled with a variety of activities so that in the evening you fall from fatigue and immediately fall asleep. You don't have time to suffer. However, if you still suffer from insomnia, do not lie in bed thinking that you will not get enough sleep, but get up and do some business or read and do not touch the computer 3 hours before bedtime.

Find for the sake of what, whom you need to live for, always remember this in difficult times.

ANALYZE RELATIONSHIPS

As soon as emotions settle down, you need to start analyzing your past relationships. Why did you get along? Why did you have to break up? Who made what mistakes? How could they be corrected? Were your couple happy? Answer yourself these questions honestly, objectively, without emotion. Not in order to condemn someone, but in order to realize everything, to move on to a new round of your personal development.

Well, if 3 months after the breakup, when the feelings have cooled down, a meeting takes place on neutral territory, where you can discuss everything, which is why there is no way together. Try to treat each other with care, do not envy if the life of the former (former) is more successful. Don't take bad things personally. Learn from mistakes. Life is long and breakups are inevitable. This is your personal experience and part of your life.

RESTORE ENERGY

Parting, as a rule, takes a person's vital energy, it must be restored. Country walks, swimming in natural reservoirs, animal therapy, hypotherapy, just any communication with animals and horseback riding, travel, excursions, theatre, exhibitions, museums, communication with positive people, extreme sports, yoga, meditation. The list can still be very long. Choose your own way to recover. The principle of 4 elements works perfectly. Every day you need to touch 4 elements: water, earth, fire, air. Find your ways. For example, if there is water, then stand under running water in the shower, washing away all the pain from yourself, cry. You can sit on the shore of the lake, looking at the surface of the water. Fire– it is a fire, and it is possible to look at the flame of a candle and read a long prayer or "Our Father" 10 times. Earth– run barefoot on the grass or work in the garden. Air– inhale the air with a full chest, standing on the balcony, and preferably out of town. You can think of a lot more, the main thing is to contact the four elements every day.

ABOUT THE PLEASURE, OR KNOCK OUT THE OPPOSITE

When parting, negative and destructive emotions go off scale, a depressive mood background arises. Challenge yourself to achieve a positive attitude. Helpers here will be pleasure.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

Take a piece of paper and draw a planet of pleasure. List 15 things that make you happy. Do you think it's a lot? If it doesn't work, then you're just a lazy person. Expand your horizons and find what brings you joy in life. Be sure to enjoy yourself every day. In addition, if a negative, pessimistic thought arises in your head, immediately knock it down with a positive and life-affirming one. For example, the thought “I will always be alone” is replaced by the installation “If I want, I will have many friends and admirers.” This is a very useful habit to think constructively and form the right positive attitudes. Life attitudes are prerequisites for the implementation of the plan.

IF THE COMMUNICATION IS NOT INTERRUPTED

It is very difficult to pick up and leave, it is very difficult not to try to return, or at least not to hope. Many people leaving do not dare to cut off ties with each other. This is mistake. There is a feeling of an uncomplicated personal life. It’s impossible to remain friends precisely because there is a strong emotional connection. If you feel that you cannot live without this person, try to build a new relationship with him (her). But if together it doesn't work out– break up completely, breaking off emotional ties, parting ways, not seeing each other, without calls, until he gets sick.

BEAUTIFUL AROUND

It is an amazing thing when our inner world is twisted, turned inside out from pain and despair, everything around is seen as ugly, meaningless, unfair, cruel. And all because we either project our negativity outside, refusing to recognize it in ourselves, or we are looking for something in the outside world that corresponds to the inner world. Such a pessimistic whirl inevitably leads to depression. However, there is a way to harmonize the internal state through the external. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Take care of your appearance, your physical form, admire the paintings in museums, make repairs at home (paste wallpaper), get carried away with updating the interior of your home. Follow the tones in clothing and design solutions– the dark has no place in them! Let it be bright and light colors.

WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS

Especially hard in the first year.loneliness weekends and holidays are postponed. Even if you get very tired at work, prepare in advance for the holidays and weekends, so that these days you are not left alone with yourself. Cleaning, then go to visit, the next day receiving guests, having prepared something for tea with your own hands, an amusement park, learning to dance or driving, books, music, but not thoughts about the former (eat). During the holidays (New Year's, May), do not be lazy, go on a short trip.

SUMMARY

Summarizing, we can say the following. Breaking up with a loved one– this is always a difficult life test, but if you follow the psychological recommendations, and in severe cases, turning to a specialist for help, you can always recover from parting, recover and find happiness or inner peace. Memories of a loved one with whom you had to break the connection will eventually evoke a bright image of the past, and not pain and despair.

Breaking up is very hard, but there are basic principles that you need to adhere to in order to recover and become a happy person.

1. As soon as you broke up, move as far as possible from your former love, do not call, do not write, do not see each other, remove all things that remind you of this person.

2. Form new habits unrelated to that person. A significant part of people cannot part with each other precisely because of common habits that are formed and consolidated in behavior over the years.

For example, we had dinner together. Now come up with a new form of having dinner in a pleasant environment, if earlier - in the kitchen, now - in the room, the best option is to invite friends, friends for dinner or dine in a cafe. New habits should be more enjoyable than old ones.

3. Forgive. While in the heart of resentment and anger, the connection with this person is very strong. So new relationships cannot be built, and suffering will not stop - the pain of parting will not be overcome.

4. Two hours a day of catharsis (outburst of emotions), the rest of the time is work, hobbies, communication, walks, so as to be loaded (oops) from morning to evening and, lying down, immediately turn off.

5. Be sure to give yourself pleasure every day, do not allow yourself to become depressed, replacing any negative thought with a positive attitude. Think about why you live, what goals you set, what values ​​you have. If you don't see meaning in your life, then it's time to reevaluate your values, find attractive things in the world, set goals, find something to live for.

Give yourself enough time to get sick, 12-18 months. Only after fully recovering from a breakup, you can start a new relationship, otherwise the new relationship will be short-lived, and the disappointment from it will be even stronger, because without having thoroughly worked out your previous experience, you will drag the mistakes and sorrows of the past into a new one, and so on in a vicious circle until you have to give up personal life altogether.

Having been ill, you will gain a unique experience and start life from scratch, where there will be no place for previous mistakes and disappointment in yourself. Help will always provide you psychologist. You can contact me. Whatever the pain, after the consultation you will feel relief, you will have the strength to live. By following individual recommendations, you will save yourself from depression and begin to rejoice again, you will feel that you do not live in vain, and in your life, besides this person, there is still a lot of meaning. To sign up for consultation in the reception psychologist, you at home, by Skype ,by phone, can

Let's talk about the situation when it's too late to return something - decisions have been made, he / she doesn't want it anymore, and you, perhaps, can't do it anymore. A loved one leaves, and you understand that you have no other choice but to try to survive the breakup.

And no matter what happened - someone fell in love with someone else, they just stopped loving you, or maybe they tortured you with suspicions or jealousy or realized that your whole story was a mistake. The main thing is not to return anything, and you are the side that hoped for the best to the last, and therefore it is harder for you to survive it. And the only question is: how to survive a breakup?

Navigation through the article "Getting over a breakup"

Stage 1. Give yourself free rein

This does not mean crying in front of people, just in front of people you need to keep a face. But at home, especially if there is no one else there but you, you must allow yourself to do the opposite. Beat dishes, scream loudly in the bathroom, swear in the most terrible words you want to use.

Anything that helps get rid of the pain and throw out aggression, but at the same time it is safe for you and for the neighbors. Also, do not discount your favorite folk way - talking in the kitchen. If you do at least one of the above, everything is fine with you and the process goes on as usual, but if you are with an empty look, then this is more of an alarming symptom.

Unfortunately, such a stupor immediately after a breakup means that you have suppressed, blocked your painful emotions. And, therefore, they run the risk of finding shelter in your internal organs, and instead of experiencing external ones, you will "to worry" somatically, that is, diseases.

It can, of course, lie on a hospital bed - more noble and aesthetically pleasing, but in the end it is much more dangerous to health. which you may need in the future.

Stage 2. Use the energy of the swings

At the second stage of experiencing parting with a loved one, a state occurs that most of all resembles a swing. Acute pain of the first stage is suddenly replaced by euphoria and vice versa. For example, from a very scary “how am I now without him / her, all hopes have collapsed” you will suddenly be thrown into a state “Oh my God, what am I? Yes, now I can choose the best / best in the world!

Everyone has their own list - to choose the best, finally, plenty of chatting with friends or going fishing with friends, not giving a damn about cleaning or cooking, doing something that was problematic during your joint journey, indulging in some kind of hobby.

Sometimes at this stage there is "get drunk" and "sleep with anyone". I won’t say that I am for it, but it is at this stage that it is almost useless to try to discipline yourself in any way. Your main task is to benefit from this stage. How?

Eva, 34 years old having parted with a married man who had been on the verge of a divorce for five years, but remained on this verge, having decided to return to the family completely, at that time she felt a desire to finally spend time on friends ... who were gone, thanks to the presence of a married friend.

In those very moments of euphoria and enlightenment, she grabbed a notebook, and obsessed with desire "finally be friends" called, chatted, made appointments. And even if by the appointed meeting she already fell back into the loop of longing, nevertheless, she was already obligated by the fact that they were waiting for her. And she walked. This renewed association kept her afloat for the next few months. Without knowing it, Eve created for herself in the world "hooks" who, with some degree of success, helped to survive "kickbacks" in melancholy. And time passed and healed.

Separately, I would like to recall the common folk way "wedge wedge". It is at the second stage that this need arises. Evaluating its effectiveness is a thankless task, because the outcome of the situation always depends on the degree of awareness of each of the partners, on the ability to forgive their offenses, on how quickly the wounds heal for those who went to seek solace in a new union.

There is an opinion that nothing good comes from such unions, and it is better to leave them at the stage "spent time and forgot", do not develop. However, more than once I have come across stories in which serious partnerships arose from such alliances.

Consider the expression itself: "wedge wedge". That is, in a previous relationship, someone was “jammed”, the degree of concentration on a partner, the intensity of passions was, perhaps, pathological, preventing relationships from developing. In the new union "knocking out" old, the partner is selected according to the compensatory principle. If the former partner was, say, too emotional, then the opposite is chosen - a more reasonable and calm partner. If the partner was, for example, with a rich past experience, is selected with a minimum, etc. Of course, a person will not be able to get away from his basic guidelines, and will probably make all the same requirements for ideas about relationships, intellectual level, and even appearance. But the mass of everything will be revised in the new union. And not the fact that for the worse. Sometimes it turns out that by choosing a partner precisely according to the compensatory principle, a person automatically insures himself against a repetition of the previous relationship scenario.

And if this is still realized and worked out within oneself, then such "work on mistakes" can sometimes be even more effective than sitting alone. Experiencing a breakup with a partner and choosing a scenario "wedge wedge" you should always be aware of only one thing: your potential partner is not to blame for the fact that you were abandoned and abandoned, and therefore he cannot become guilty, and therefore punished for your own mistakes in previous relationships.

And, if the thirst for revenge is too strong, then it’s better for you to really sit alone and, on occasion, talk with a specialist about ways to overcome the thirst for revenge. And remember that if you nevertheless decided on a new relationship relatively quickly, the next two stages, the partner will already be with you, which means that you will have to think not only about yourself.

Stage 3. Fatigue

Very often, at this stage of the experience of parting, a person begins to be haunted by thoughts and emotions that, it would seem, have nothing to do with the parting that happened. For example, chronic panic about the supposedly not turned off iron.

Or not so done work, fear of complaints from the authorities. Sometimes it happens that "everything is falling apart" Even the clothes don't fit right. It's starting "hand over" severely frayed nerves in the first two stages. As a rule, somatic diseases are also connected - the head will start to hurt and feel dizzy, the pressure will jump, or even some long-forgotten chronic problems will surface.

In general, it is at this stage that it is advisable to turn to a specialist psychologist, and if things have gone very far, then to a doctor. In any case, this is the period when you should seriously take care of your condition. At least feed the body with vitamins, arrange classes in a sports club, and watch what you eat and drink. It is during this period that it is worth adopting any spiritual practice that is acceptable to you - weekly attendance at services in the temple and evening prayer, meditation, group yoga classes, and other energy practices.

The physical and mental should at this moment be directed towards one goal - peace, which would previously have been pointless to achieve. This is exactly the stage when, having “been raging”, you must begin to accustom yourself to discipline - it is she who will allow you to overcome the next, most insidious stage:

Stage 4. Depression

In this case, I use the word "depression" not in the meaning of a clinical diagnosis, but in the meaning of poorly controlled depression of varying severity. And at this stage, one thing is important: not to break. Not to lose everything that you successfully (hopefully) went through in the previous stages. If you were able to go through them correctly, then you now have some kind of circle of friends that you gained in the first stages, you have the rhythm of life and discipline, and perhaps you were even able to start building personal relationships as a first approximation, and also taught themselves to take care of themselves and have long thrown out the most acute emotions.

What's next? And then you need to learn to derive pleasure from the little things. This stage of experiencing parting with a loved one is characterized by a loss of meaning. “Well, I take care of my health, but why? Well, I communicate with friends - so what? Nothing. Accustom yourself to the idea that for a while it will be "nothing" and this is not a reason to change anything in the established order.

Galina, 42 years old. When her beloved left her, after some time an old dream woke up - to learn how to dance flamenco. And she went to the club. At times I didn’t feel like walking, and at times my soul simply sang with joy.

But there came a moment when everything began to seem meaningless, and attempts to get out of the situation too. At the sessions, she said that it was just window dressing on her part, that she would not prove anything to anyone, that she could not enjoy anything.

However, we have developed a rule: “for some time not to demand from yourself neither joy nor pleasure, just do it”. It turned out that it was most difficult for Galina to come to terms with the idea that she "not the same as before", but as soon as we managed to reduce her demands on ourselves - "be persistent, be cheerful, be optimistic", then it turned out that living without meaning and just doing it is not so scary.

And then it turned out that it even becomes pleasant, because you can enjoy the meaningless sewing of outfits, music, high-heeled shoes, meaningless walks around the city, the meaningless making of home knick-knacks ... And do not run anywhere, and do not strive anywhere.

This stage of experiencing parting with the right approach becomes obsolete, because it already becomes even laziness replay in my head endless accusatory speeches against the offender and make plans for revenge.

Effect of surveillance and demonstration during the experience of separation

This is also worth talking about separately. Very often, many who are experiencing a breakup have a desire to follow the life of another, which now, with the prevalence of the Internet and various social networks, is not such a difficult matter.

If you are the left side, then think about why you are doing this? What emotions are you waiting for? If you are looking for confirmation that your partner is not doing well, then you still want to prove to yourself and the world that your partner was wrong by breaking up with you.

And behind this is the desire to confirm their value and significance. From which we can draw a direct conclusion that you yourself do not feel valuable or significant. The feeling of inferiority has another side: a sense of one's own exclusivity and importance, a desire for superiority over other men/women in your partner's life.

But it is possible that for one reason or another, the partner wanted to become happy without you, and, bumping into evidence of his completely normal life, you only multiply your pain. It is better to understand the origins of this inner inferiority. And first of all, to give to yourself what you did not give, namely respect, care, recognition. No one will solve this problem for you, no matter what praises your friends and relatives sing to you. Only you can decide for yourself whether you are an important person in your life or not.

It also happens that the departed side follows the left. As a rule, this is the realization of revenge, the desire to enjoy someone else's pain. And behind this, too, is the lack of agreement with oneself: if you were sure of the correctness of the step, then what difference does it make to you how the person you left behind lives?

And if you are angry that he is not going to die, it means that you doubted the correctness of the step. Talk to yourself - maybe it was not the desire to really break off the relationship that made you leave, but some other fears, perhaps you took this step only because you were afraid that they would leave you? This is also a topic for a serious conversation with yourself: you run the risk of repeating the same scenario in other relationships and once again losing a loved one through your own fault. And the guilt before oneself will deepen and aggravate the already oppressed state.

A frank demonstration of one's happiness to the left side is also a sign of the unresolved nature of a number of internal issues. Why are you taking revenge on a person? Resentment is a thing that is better to get rid of in the early stages, because later it can find shelter much deeper than just emotions and degenerate into somatic diseases.

And if you demonstrate to the side of the departed, then, of course, you prove that the partner was wrong, and it has already been written above about what to look for in yourself. Very often such "games" go on for almost years - everyone knows that he is being watched and everyone is trying to demonstrate something, and even openly hurt his partner. But do you always understand what is really behind the partner's actions?

Ivan, 33 years old, broke up with his beloved woman on her initiative. The parting was hard, but being a restrained person, he shared it with few people. He came to me literally immediately, a week after the break. We did not develop a specific behavioral strategy with him, we worked with emotions, but after 3 months he was introduced to a girl with whom a relationship began.

He did not make big plans, he believed that it was too early for him to think about a serious relationship until he survived the break to the end. They just started dating. Six months passed, relations developed and strengthened. Slowly, Ivan plunged into a new life, trying in time to work out the emerging painful emotions about the past.

And after some time, he discovered that he was being followed, followed by an attempt by his ex-girlfriend to sling mud at a wide audience. And, most interestingly, he was sincerely surprised by this fact, because he was sure that she simply forgot everything like a bad dream, because she often let him know that she did not value their relationship and in many ways they did not suit her.

And he believed. He believed further, believing that, probably, she lives much happier than with him. And tried not to accumulate resentment. And I didn’t even think that she would want to look for him on the net. He commented to me like this: “she probably never could tell me the truth that I was dear to her, and that she loved me, and now she realized that it was too late”.

Perhaps at the end of this article I will give only one piece of advice:

Don't lie to your loved ones. Feel free to confess your feelings. After all, then the truth may be too late, and between you there will be only aggression and pain.

And maybe if you trust the person on time, separation would not have happened at all. And no matter how painful it is now, pleasure and joy will definitely return. Because the darkest time of the day is just before dawn.

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