Husband got drunk. Psychologist's advice, what should a woman do if her husband is an alcoholic? Treatment of alcoholism in various ways

Husband is an alcoholic and possible perspective of life with him. In the article, the conversation will be about how to save a family with a drinking spouse, feelings for whom have not cooled down. Recommendations will also be given to a woman on refusing to live together with a drunkard under the most critical circumstances.

The content of the article:

An alcoholic husband is a tragedy for the whole family, because such addiction often deforms the human personality. The most terrible in the indicated situation is the option when there are children in a dysfunctional family. It is worth understanding such a family tragedy, as well as considering methods of dealing with a chronic illness.

Types of Alcoholic Men

When communicating with alcoholic husbands, one should distinguish between the type of their behavior, which psychologists have characterized as follows:

• . Such persons are constantly emotionally overexcited, which makes them desire additional relaxation. All this leads to excessive consumption of strong drinks, which eventually becomes a fairly well-established norm. “I am not an alcoholic, but just nervous” is the motto of such personalities. In the most deplorable situations, people of the voiced type begin to show aggression towards the environment and family members.
• Conformist alcoholic. One of the most interesting varieties men who like to "lay behind the collar." Everything suits them for the simple reason that such personalities really do not care about anything in this world. They are just opportunists, for whom a glass of vodka on the table is not a favorite hit from Grigory Leps, but an important component of the daily menu. To those around them, they deliver a minimum of inconvenience regarding the absence of aggressive behavior, which is characteristic of neurasthenics. However, not every wife will tolerate the behavior of an alcoholic conformist, which can be very uncomfortable for all family members.
• Single Alcoholic. Each man can react differently to the situation, but being alone always and everywhere is a pathological condition. Someone adapts to this, starting to endlessly change partners. However, not everyone likes this way of life, so the process of systematic self-pity begins and the final instance is hard drinking. Eduard Asadov clearly said that there are many people with whom it is realistic to go to bed, but only a few of those with whom you want to wake up. For women with established moral principles, this kind of male alcoholic cannot be dangerous. Few people dare to start a family with such representatives of the far from the stronger sex, if at the same time the lady is not a masochist.
• Alcoholism in a company pet. A husband who radiates charm and astonishes those around him with sharp anecdotes to the fifth glass of vodka is an acceptable phenomenon. We are all human, we are all human, so it makes no sense to condemn such behavior. The situation is worse when the described factor becomes a habit, making a banal alcoholic out of a joker. The main thing is that over time a kind-hearted person does not become aggressive towards his family under the influence of intoxicating fumes.

Consequences of living with alcoholic husbands

The consequences of the voiced factor may result in the following imbalance in the psychological state of the wife:

1. Depression. Not every woman is ready to answer the question why she connected her life with this particular person. It’s too late to complain about this, although many people are subject to tough introspection after a mistake has been made. Seeing every day how her once beloved and respected person morally sinks, the victim of an alcoholic falls into a long depression. Literally everything ceases to please her, because her husband is constantly drunk at home with all the ensuing negative consequences.
2. Low self-esteem. Even the most successful and self-confident woman can break down when her chosen one begins to drown his life at the bottom of a glass. The victim of a drunkard immediately raises the question of why the family tragedy happened to her. After this, a phase of self-flagellation often sets in, when the unfortunate wife begins to blame herself for everything. The result is low self-esteem in a woman who has driven herself into a corner, not daring to change the circumstances.
3. Closure. The wives of alcoholics do not like to listen to the stories of their acquaintances about prosperity and mutual understanding in their families. This is equivalent to when a well-fed person begins to think about his gastronomic addictions in front of a starving person. Masochism is a concept that is not very common among people, because self-torture is unacceptable to human nature. Consequently, the wife of an alcoholic is embarrassed by the humiliating situation in which her family has fallen. She withdraws into herself, trying to be as little in the public eye as possible.
4. Aggressiveness. It is common for a person to go to extremes when someone encroaches on his honor and dignity. The once strong-willed woman, watching the daily degradation of her drinking husband, can harden the whole world. Not being able to cope with personal problems in the family on her own, she is able to throw out all the accumulated negativity on others.

Note! The wife of a drinking person is always a victim, so she should figure out how to behave with her alcoholic husband. If you let the situation that has arisen take its course, then it will simply get out of control and become a real life tragedy in the form of ruined destinies.

Model of behavior with an alcoholic husband

In this case, you should immediately understand for yourself that life is given to us for good deeds, and not for self-destruction. Therefore, it is necessary to take all possible measures to resolve the critical situation.

Neutrality with husband's alcoholism

• He's not the only one. The phrase that all men drink is simply brilliant in its absurdity. If a representative of the strong half of humanity is categorically against taking strong drinks, then he is often given the most incredible diagnoses. He is credited with an ulcer and even coding for alcoholism, because he does not fall under the already formed stereotype of the townsfolk. With voiced neutrality, a woman does not think about how to leave her alcoholic husband. She has come to terms and is relatively calm about her significant other's drinking. It is very difficult to help her in this case, because it is impossible to help someone out of trouble who does not want to change something in his life.
• He has a nervous job. All of us are not without sin and we can sometimes afford some weaknesses. However, everything must be logically justified, because life punishes very severely for frivolity. Nerves are nerves, but reaching for a glass every time is simply irresponsible and extremely dangerous to health. However, some wives of alcoholics are ready to justify their unfortunate husbands in literally everything. At the same time, they are not able to understand that with binges a man can lose this nervous job with a rather unseemly wording of dismissal. Only her close people, whom she respects, can explain the probability of financial and professional collapse of her beloved to an unfortunate woman.
• Blame heredity. Neutrality in the drunkenness of a spouse is very often justified by this factor. After all, it’s so convenient to blame the husband’s weakness on genetics, which acted so ugly with a loved one. Such women are ready to endure their alcoholic husbands, because they consider it their duty to carry this cross indefinitely. “His dad, grandfather, great-grandfather also drank” - the answer of the passive victims of the drunkard to all the questions of astonished acquaintances about the reason for indulging the second half. In this case, one cannot do without consulting a psychotherapist, because it is a classic example of masochism.

Aggressive behavior in alcoholism husband

1. Persecution of a negligent spouse. In this case, the man is simply not allowed to drink a cup or two in peace, because it is very problematic to hide from the aggressor wife. The unfortunate man does not even hope for a divorce, realizing that he has fallen into a trap for a dangerous person. However, at the same time, a woman does not understand that by such behavior she simply puts an end to her future. It is necessary to eradicate the problem, and not try to prevent it by such persecution.
2. Control of personal funds. Family budget everyone sees it differently, because everything depends on the initial agreement of both parties regarding the conduct of a common household. However, in some cases, the wife, in an unproductive struggle with her alcoholic husband, tries to solve the problem solely by controlling her husband's funds. This is done in a very aggressive form, but such manipulations do not bring results, because the so-called stash appears.
3. Temporary departure from a drinking spouse. In this case, we are not even talking about specific aggression, but about a gesture of desperation by a woman who loves her husband. In this way, she is trying to attract the attention of the second half in order to save the marriage at any cost. At the same time, blackmail by the victim of an alcoholic is quite justified, because a certain percentage of men still respond to these changes in their lives. However, you should not rely only on the circumstances voiced, because a lover of alcohol can only rejoice at the departure of his wife from him. After all, nothing will prevent him now from drinking alcohol without the intrusive control of his wife, who used to be very annoying.

Breaking up with an alcoholic husband

• Publicity. Public opinion is quite a powerful weapon in solving problems of this nature. We live in a society that often dictates to us the appropriate model of behavior. A woman who is no longer able to fight her husband's drunkenness begins to tell everyone and everywhere about it. She leaves the victim of the green serpent very loudly, but often for good. In rare cases, an attempt will be made to reunite the wife with a drunkard if he does not make any attempts to abandon the systematic use of alcohol.
• Filing a police report. Some ladies are not able to get rid of the persecution of their alcoholic husband on their own, so they try to do everything possible to become a free and happy woman. This is a fairly correct behavior if the spouse began to behave inappropriately towards the children and the spouse. Aggressors must be stopped by divorce and filing an application, because intoxicated they can cause significant harm to family members.
• Personal pressure. It is possible to tell an alcoholic that he is not behaving correctly when packing his suitcase, but to some extent it will look illogical. When you leave, leave, as wise people say. Aggressive behavior with such an attitude towards the husband's drunkenness can end in nothing, since alcoholism rarely lends itself to personal correction.

Treating an alcoholic husband

1. Homeopathy. With the problem voiced, the well-known Proproten 100, which is available both in tablets and in drops, can help. This tool is popular because it has a rather gentle effect on the central nervous system person. Proproten 100 allows alcoholics not to go on a binge, which is so typical for individuals addicted to strong drinks. Enough affordable price The drug makes it popular among people who do not have large material resources. Its main advantage is a mild effect on the digestive organs and liver, which are already weakened after systematic aggressive attacks of alcohol. The regimen for taking the medication is quite simple: one tablet or 15 drops of the substance daily, you need to use it until you feel the effectiveness of the treatment.
2. Coding. In this case, speech already underway about a serious intervention in the body of an alcoholic husband. Opinions about this procedure are different, because many do not believe in a successful outcome of coding. For some, this option of getting rid of addiction helps, and for some it does not have any positive result. A woman who is faced with the problem of how to cure her alcoholic husband should consider all the nuances of the upcoming medical intervention.

Hello dear reader! The topic of our conversation today concerns mainly women, but the conversation will focus on men, so I also advise those representatives of the stronger sex who value their family to get acquainted with it. How to get away from a drinking alcoholic husband? This is the question I asked my colleague, a medical psychologist.

We will talk about the global problem of our time, which you could encounter personally or observe it from your neighbors, acquaintances, friends. Domestic drunkenness and divorce are by no means the most pleasant things that can be encountered in marriage. When the nerves are on edge, an equally acute question arises: how to get away from a drinking husband?

There are many reasons why men are drawn to drinks, and they are much more willing to run to the bar than to go home. Among them:

Children in a moral cage: dad locked

Another thing is if, in a state of intoxication, the spouse allows himself too much: he dissolves his hands, expresses himself unprintably, in public or not, but humiliates his wife. In this case, it is better not to pull the rubber, and completely stop contact with this person. It is more difficult if there are children in the family.

How to get away from a drunk person? I am often approached by women exhausted by marriage to an alcoholic. Here is one of them:

“I loved him madly, I was ready for anything for him alone. She forgave him everything, humbled herself, endured, gave chances. I thought: Drinking? So they still drink. Drinking often? So his work is hard, the child is small, you need to relax. Drink a lot? But it doesn't hit." There were never drinking bouts, I didn’t catch “squirrels”. He drank, overslept, went to work sober, earned decently ... And now there is no more strength. He can hit, swear in front of a child, throw our things out of the apartment, then not let him back. When sober, he doesn’t even apologize, he makes me feel guilty. I go several times a month either to him or to my mother. What to do next? I understand that this situation is not normal, that the child suffers, and I feel bad, but I can’t finally part. How to leave and not come back?

Should I tolerate a drinking husband?

If you - God forbid - encounter a similar problem, do not rush to shout about it on the Internet. You will pour out your soul, but you will hear as many nasty things about the expediency of your unhealthy patience as the drinking spouse will not give out. There are women who are of the opinion: "What, no, but he is the father." Now think for yourself: why does a child need a “no” father? The psyche and state of mind of the baby are seriously injured when he is forced to watch his father's binges and parental scandals. Realizing that there is nothing he can do to help. If dad wants to communicate with the child, he will be able to visit him after the divorce and only in a sober state.

You must understand that by prioritizing alcohol, your husband completely and completely threw off the upbringing and care of children on you. Also, you must understand that you cannot allow them to live together with a drinking dad. Love - love, but protect children from a drunk, potentially dangerous person.

There are good reasons for this. Firstly, our worldview and worldview are formed not even from birth, but even in the womb. What the mother feels and experiences is given to the child. A person is born as a blank slate, but equally retains the memory of the sensations experienced in his mother's tummy, both during scandals and when singing a lullaby. On this blank sheet, you can write and depict anything you like, if you wish, you can make a beautiful origami out of it or crumple it and throw it in the trash.

A child should not see a drunken father

The model of family relationships, father's relationship with children and mother, behavior with the opposite sex, etc., will subsequently be recreated on a subconscious level. That is, grown-up children will copy what they saw in childhood in parental marriage, and will bring up their descendants on the same example. There are exceptions to every rule, but not many.

Secondly, for a girl, dad is a model of a man, a kind of “pattern” that she will “try on” for all her boyfriends. Agree, a drinking husband is not at all what you would wish for your daughter. But no matter how you prove to her that dad did not immediately start drinking alcohol, that there were whole quite happy years preceding this, the daughter will still choose a partner similar to the dad she remembers more.

Knowing this - do not pull, gather your courage, and dot the "and".

Learning to live again

"Him good flat”,“ big salary ”,“ he loves me, just a difficult period in life ”and other such nonsense, throw it out of your head right away. If it was not possible to cure alcoholism, the husband is absolutely satisfied with everything, then getting rid of it is similar to pulling a hippopotamus out of a swamp with a toothpick. The brain of an alcoholic works differently than the brain of a normal sober person. A heavily drunk person can smile into your eyes, but stick a knife in your back. Literally. Read crime reports on this topic. It is even worse if an alcoholic husband shows physical aggression not only towards his wife, but also towards other family members.

A drinking husband is often aggressive towards other family members

From the forum:

“When I came home from work, I experienced a real shock: there were tufts of hair in the corridor, my mother was sitting in the hall outside the door with a bruise on the floor of her face. In her hands she held a frying pan, ready at any moment to break the head of this beast. And he, drunk as a board, lay right on the floor and snored, clutching a lock of his mother's hair in his fist. Why would she?!”

And this is an extract from the publication in the media:

“A terrible tragedy occurred at 7:20 in the morning in the Kalininsky district of the city. On the basis of a sudden enmity, a drunken 25-year-old man hit his one-year-old son on the head with a hammer. The injury was incompatible with life. The child died before the ambulance arrived."

Just keep this in mind when you are at a crossroads: save a dysfunctional family or try to build a new one? “Under a degree” the most fabulous prince can turn out to be just a horse, or even turn into an evil stepmother.

Beatings, mutilations, throwing things from the balcony, the corresponding companies that you suddenly find at home and so on and so forth are familiar to almost all wives of drunkards. In addition, you run the risk of starting to drink the bottle yourself, tired of senseless attempts to return the drinking husband to the real world. Do you need it? Wouldn't it be better to wait until the morning when the spouse sobers up (so as not to fall under hot hand), and express your “fe” in his face. If this conversation can end in physical violence on his part, then a note will do for parting.

Should I leave my drinking husband? Weigh all the pros and cons. Love yourself! Think of the children!

Alcohol destroys the family

Of course, this is just food for thought. I know many cases when an alcoholic who has sunk below nowhere, thanks to the support of his family, became a teetotaler and an excellent family man.

The conversation turned out to be somehow sad ... Smile before you close this page.

Quite often, women are faced with the question - how to deal with the drunkenness of her husband. Do not forget that alcoholism is a disease. And any disease requires urgent intervention and treatment. Only in this situation everything is very complicated and ambiguous. After all, there is a chemical and psychological dependence. A person can be clearly aware of his condition, but it will be extremely difficult to cope with it. Especially without the support of family and friends.

Where does alcoholism start?

Trouble comes to the house when the husband starts drinking in a prosperous family. Eternal scandals, tears of children and cries of the wife only exacerbate the current situation. To prevent this from happening, the problem should be eradicated at its very inception. After all, the prerequisites for this, though not always obvious, but still exist.

Husband's drunkenness can begin with various kinds of troubles:

1. Family problems. When there is a misunderstanding between partners, omissions. And on this basis, scandals are born that contribute to the pricking of the situation. The man can not stand it and breaks down, going into a long binge.
2. Problems at work. Dissatisfaction with one's position, low wages, boss's chicanery can knock down even the most seasoned man.
3. Unexpected situations. The death of a loved one leaves a big imprint and causes melancholy, which you want to get rid of. And the most famous and easy way- is to go on a binge.
4. Health status. Intractable illnesses lead to depression. Some men see one way out - to get drunk and forget.

This is one of the most common causes of alcoholism. Although in reality there are many more. After all, every man is an individual. No one knows what will provoke a craving for alcohol in him and how it will end.

At the first signs of dependence on alcohol, measures must be taken immediately, otherwise a calm life will collapse and chaos will begin in the family.

Why drinking is dangerous for a man

Alcoholism destroys human lives. It negatively affects health, causing the development of various pathologies. Life becomes painful and more and more thoughts of imminent death visit.

Drunkenness is dangerous, it causes the following changes in men:

• the work of the heart is disturbed;
• the elasticity of blood vessels is lost;
• the liver ceases to perform its functions;
• memory worsens;
• the brain starts to work worse;
• the rate of reactions decreases;
• old age comes faster;
• death is possible.

In addition to physiological transformations in the body, there are changes in character and behavior. The man becomes aggressive, he can no longer control himself.

His only desire is to get another dose and get drunk. Because of this, there are disagreements in the family. If the representative of the stronger sex works, then all the money goes to alcohol. He tries to appear less often at home, he always disappears somewhere. This makes relatives and friends worry, being in constant search solutions to the current situation.

A man ceases to occupy a worthy place in society. Nobody considers him anymore, respect and normal attitude from people are lost. All this puts pressure on a person and makes him even more depressed, going into a binge. Some of these cases lead to suicide, falling down grief on the shoulders of relatives and friends.

How to deal with drunkenness husband

To cure the faithful from alcoholism, it is necessary to act after the first signs appear. For starters, you can try psychological tricks. In some cases, advice is quite effective:

1. Threats. To scare a man that if he continues to drink, then his wife will leave him. We'll have to divide the property and look for a new place of residence. And these are unnecessary problems and worries. Moreover, no one needs an alcoholic. Why pull on yourself an extra "burden".
2. The psychology of a drunk person is to find an excuse for himself. He wants pity, compassion and another bottle of alcohol. The family should stop submitting to the whims of the alcoholic and make him think about his behavior.
3. One option is to film a video of the drunken husband behaving inappropriately. The shown compromising evidence should shame the representative of the stronger sex. If this does not happen, you can threaten to distribute the video among friends and acquaintances. The desire to hide your shame from prying eyes will make you change, or at least try to do it.
4. Stop messing around with your husband like you would with a small child. Let him get used to solving the problems that have arisen on the basis of eternal binges.
5. Take any money earned by the faithful. There will no longer be enough money for booze.

Become a support for your husband, and let him be a support. We must do our best to convey to him the tragedy of the current situation. Explain to him that if you do not stop, you can lose everything that is most precious in life. And then there will be nothing left to live for.

Treatment of alcoholism in various ways

Husband's drunkenness is a problem that requires an urgent solution. If he does not succumb to the persuasion of his wife, does not respond to threats, it is worth turning to more effective methods. They will give hope for a cure and the return of a loved one to a normal life in the circle of relatives.

Such measures include:

• treatment in professional clinics;
• therapy with a psychologist;
• encoding by modern methods;
• conversion to faith.

AT modern world there are many clinics that give sound advice and hope for getting rid of drunkenness. But in order to recover, a man must want it. Without the desire of the drinker, nothing will come of it. No persuasion can replace a sincere desire and desire for a sober life. That is why the treatment of alcoholism does not always end with a positive result.

Encoding is considered an effective method in the fight against drunkenness. A man who goes to this must understand the seriousness of what is happening. This method will get rid of alcohol addiction. But as soon as he tries alcohol, negative changes begin to occur in the body, which can lead to death.

The priest's advice to turn to faith is the most spiritual way of healing. The feeling of God's grace grants inner strength and a desire to fight sinful addiction.

How not to become an alcoholic

Everyone can give advice, but until trouble comes to his house. Then the person is lost and does not know what to do.

To prevent this from happening, you should remember a few rules:

• drink sometimes and in small portions;
• as little as possible to visit places where alcoholic beverages are abused;
• always good to eat;
• do not get involved with a "bad" company;
• seek help at the first sign of addiction.

A person never knows where danger lies in wait. Life is fleeting and changes every day. Today you can be successful and respected, and tomorrow you can become an alcoholic without a home and a job. It is worth thinking about this and taking care of loved ones.

Didn't endure!
(Husband's drunkenness)

At first, everything went like people do: family holidays, infrequent gatherings with friends. There was alcohol on the table, but in moderation, and I didn’t see any problems in the fact that my husband would drink a couple of glasses of wine at a richly set table.

Then he began Friday meetings with friends "for beer." And there was also nothing wrong with drinking a bottle of beer for men's conversations, because I did not see my husband either drunk or drunk. But in the last couple of years, everything has changed.

At first, I began to smell alcohol from him more and more often, not only on Fridays, but also in the middle of the week. On weekends he went out on some business and returned drunk, cheerful, in good mood. I didn’t want to spoil the atmosphere in the house, so although I grumbled and reproached him, I didn’t make any scandals. I thought that he understood everything himself, because there had never been problems in this regard either with him or with anyone from his family. (That's what I thought, and then I found out that his grandfather drank himself and died in a drunken stupor.)

And then one weekend my husband ... was brought home by his friends - I can’t dare to call them friends! Late in the evening, almost at night, when my head ached from excitement for him, and I rushed around the apartment, not knowing where to call and where to look for him, the doorbell rang. On the threshold of two, and between them hung, unable to stand on his own, my husband.

With a slurred tongue, they asked where to put it, and without waiting for an answer, they unloaded it right into the shoes under the hanger. Then, finding the door with difficulty, they left, swaying, but still on their own feet. And my husband, the father of our eight-year-old son, lay among the street shoes, snoring and spreading a terrible fumes around.

While I was deciding what to do, my son woke up and went to the toilet. I don’t know how I managed to cover my husband with anything that came to hand and shield him from the child. When the child fell asleep again, I dragged this smelly, insensible body into our bedroom and left it on the floor - I simply did not have the strength to lift it, to wake it up either.

I didn't sleep until morning. What kind of thoughts were not in my head?! I understood one thing - if the husband does not take up his mind, it is impossible to live like that. I kept thinking with fear how our son would react if he saw his father lying in a deranged state.

In the morning, my husband stirred, I pushed him, and already on his own he got to the bathroom. In the morning I told my son that dad was sick, quickly sent him to the cinema and take a walk. And when the husband overslept, we had a serious conversation.

Of course, he apologized, promised that this would not happen again, that he just accidentally did not calculate the amount of alcohol he drank. I really wanted to believe him, and of course I did. After all, we lived together and lived well, we never seriously quarreled, we knew how to negotiate and understand each other. And after all, we didn’t have any problems in the family: both had normal jobs, they didn’t live luxuriously, but they were quite prosperous, both were healthy, their son was growing up ...

He went without drinking for almost two months, and then broke loose - he got so drunk that he fell asleep right at the table visiting our friends. Moreover, I tried to stop him, but he simply did not perceive me - all the time he reached for the bottle, poured, drank to the bottom for each toast and ate almost nothing.

I had to go home - let go of a neighbor who looked after the child in our absence, and my friends agreed to leave my husband. It was terribly embarrassing! The next morning he came, and everything was repeated: apologies, explanations, promises.

I found a forum where wives whose husbands drink were talking, and I read so much that I was scared. I imagined what awaits me and my son. And after all, they did not deceive, did not exaggerate there, on the forum, but simply told how they lived with drinkers, how much and what they endured, how it ended.

And everyone who survived the drunkenness of her husband unanimously repeated that the drunkard cannot be cured by force, that someone who is trying to get out of this abyss needs help. And ruining your life and the lives of children is not only stupid, but also criminal in relation to children.

Of course, he broke down again, although I tried my best to prevent this from happening. There was not a drop of alcohol in the house, we stopped going to events where there was booze, and spent more time outside the city, walked with our son, started a summer cottage.

And everything was great until the corporate party he had at work. Although he swore to me that he would not take drops in his mouth, I was afraid to let him go, I begged him just not to go there, to say that I was sick. But he explained that the authorities look askance at those employees who do not participate in such events, and he was promised a promotion ...

In general, he went, and returned right up to the evening of the next day, moreover, in this form, as if he had spent the night in a ditch. I didn’t talk anymore, gathered the child and went with him to his parents.

It takes a long time to tell what else I had to go through: scandals, tears, accusations from his parents that I am not fighting for my husband, exhortations from my parents that I am ruining my life, advice from all sides, and, of course, promises, persuasion, apologies and even tears husband. But to my ultimatum: either he is being treated, or a divorce, he stood in a pose, declared that he was not an alcoholic, and he would not be dishonored, that is, treated. Like, he wants to - he himself will stop drinking.

That is, I actually went the way of any loving wife drinking husband in an attempt to get him out. The only difference is that all this fit into about a year of life, and many live like this for decades. Moreover, his drunkenness, the obscene appearance in which he used to get drunk, managed to be hidden from his son.

In short, after another breakdown, I filed for divorce, not listening to anyone. Yes, I still loved him, yes, he good man- kind, hardworking, affectionate, caring, understanding, wonderful father and so on. But all these qualities are only in a sober state, and in a drunken state it is a foul-smelling heap of what could once be called a person.

We have been divorced for the second year. I allow him to approach my son only in a sober state and I will stop all communication, as soon as he shows up to the child at least once, having drunk. He knows this and honestly observes the contract. He never stopped drinking, moreover, he drinks more and more often. And already his mother complains to me about him, but as soon as I mention the treatment, she is offended to the core and claims that he is not an alcoholic.

There is no way with my personal life yet, although there are men around, but now I am terribly afraid of coming across such an option. And how to determine whether there is a tendency to alcoholism or not? I already almost believed one - he did not touch any alcohol at all, and then it turned out that he was a former alcoholic who had already been treated more than once. And I had enough impressions from my first husband. Therefore, I am in no hurry to get married again, but I am sure that everything will be fine with me.

Sometimes I think about my life, I remember ex-husband and ... I go to that forum. I read and think, how many years do you need to suffer in order to finally feel sorry for yourself and your children, not to let the drunk ruin their lives?! Honestly, I didn't get worse! I live normally and I am sure that everything will be fine with my son. And I am glad that I was able to quickly make a decision - to leave the drunk and live normally.

Valentina Sergeeva

He is able to do all the men's work around the house, he loves me and my daughter. But, unfortunately, he is a drinker. He does not drink when he works, when he needs to drive and in other situations. But he drinks the rest of the time. When drunk, he is not aggressive, he jokes a lot and goes to bed quickly. That is, it does not seem to do anything particularly terrible. But why, why does this bother me so much?! I remember at the beginning family life, when he accidentally "takes over" somewhere at a friend's birthday party (then he drank very rarely), I felt sorry for him - I undressed him and put him to bed, in the morning I soldered him with herbal teas ... But when this became the norm, I became rage. Even a can of beer, drunk after the bath, is ready to infuriate me. And the worse he feels the next day, the happier I am. So, they say, you need it ... I'm annoyed by the very smell of alcohol, and his speech (oh, I can even determine by phone that he drank a couple of sips of beer) and the sparkle in his eyes and the stupidity that he says ... Everything ! Absolutely everything! And it makes me sick of intimacy! Sometimes, when I completely disperse and start threatening divorce, etc., my husband promises me not to drink at all for a couple of months, for example, or even six months. The promise is fulfilled. Even if the holiday and all the friends around drink and persuade him, he will never drink ... But as soon as the promised period ends, the next day it’s as if some kind of switch is flipped and the daily booze begins ... I perfectly understand what to change I can hardly do it. And I won’t get a divorce either (although I scare him from time to time), everything suits me sober in him. That is, you need to somehow reconcile yourself, not pay attention, or something ... Well, I came home, went to bed, and God bless him... Doesn't touch me, doesn't interfere with my own affairs... How to get rid of constant irritation and rising hatred in my soul?

Psychologists Answers

Dear Natalia!

Any feelings are given to a person for communication with the outside world, it is with the help of feelings that a person receives information about himself and his environment. Anger indicates that something is wrong in life, this feeling has great energy (in anger, you can quickly do a general cleaning in the house, dig up beds in the country, in general, perform difficult physical work). Imagine if you give up anger, what will happen to you then? You will lose vital information about what is happening with you and around you, lose energy (when a person prefers not to experience any important feelings, he goes into a depressive state, devoid of any energy). It will not be possible to “turn off” anger only at a drinking husband, the “switch” will work in other life situations. Or vice versa, if you restrain the manifestation of anger towards your husband, anger will begin to accumulate and spill out at the most inopportune moment on your daughter, on your girlfriend, on your employees. Figure out what your anger is telling you, perhaps about the need to respect your man (so that he manifests himself as an adult, an adequate person, because they don’t go to bed with a bad-smelling and talking nonsense “child”), perhaps about the need for support ( when a husband starts drinking, you have to decide and do everything yourself), perhaps about the need for security (when drunk, a husband can get into a dangerous situation, get sick, drinking harms his health, if he is gone, what will happen to me?). Talk to your husband about this, ask him to limit your drinking to once a week or once every two weeks, if he needs it for some reason, if he can’t cope with such a regime, talk about his rehabilitation, i.e. about visiting a rehabilitation program that helps a person figure out why he uses alcohol so often in his life, what feelings he runs away from (do you want to get rid of anger, what does he want to get rid of?). Do you have such programs in your city? There are also self-help groups for relatives and friends of alcoholics (AL-ANON) and Co-Dependents Anonymous (Coda), if you choose to attend meetings of these groups, you will be able to answer many of your questions about your husband's drinking and your own contribution to this situation, get support from people in whose life there is drunkenness of a loved one. Do not be confused by the words "alcoholic", "alcoholism", because even if your husband is a domestic drunkard, your feelings associated with his drinking are similar to those experienced by the wife of an alcoholic.

Sincerely,

Volzhenina Liliya Mikhailovna, psychologist Novosibirsk

Hello, Natalia.

Forcing yourself not to be angry is very difficult, and it looks like you are already angry at your anger. By judging yourself, you can create an even worse situation for your own health. In families where someone regularly drinks, there are specific relationships that affect all family members.

It's really hard not to get angry when, in front of your eyes, a close and dear person destroys his life, mind and health. But this is his choice, and it is not for you to be responsible for the life of another, even though you have been together for so many years, and it seems that you have already become one. This situation can be solved in different ways.

1. Indeed, as a colleague wrote, there are special groups and communities in St. Petersburg for family members of alcoholics and co-dependents, and you can visit them.

2. You can individually contact a psychologist to deal with your feelings, their causes and learn how to respond constructively to your husband's behavior.

3. You can also try an independent path. Take care of your mood and allow yourself to be angry. Observe and explore this emotion, allowing it to be born in you. Anger is inherently important and constructive. The question is where do you direct this energy. Direct it to creating a pleasant activity for you. For example, you can use a game that will help you gradually "train" your husband not to drink. Let your anger turn into an exciting activity. Prior Karen's book "Don't growl at the dog. About training animals and people" can be a guide for you in the implementation of this "game". And the book by Eric Berne "Games that people play. People who play games" will show you how relationships between adults can be distorted, and how your adult husband becomes an irresponsible child, then obeying you and complying with the conditions of punishment or spends half a year without alcohol.
Both books are easy to find in stores or download online. They are written with humor and will explain a lot to you, and maybe they will teach you how to deal with your anger and "naughty" husband-child.

Wish peace of mind and happiness in the family.

Biryukova Anastasia Evgenievna, psychologist in St. Petersburg

Aggression and anger are born for a reason, but when some important need for a person is blocked. What do you stop getting, feeling when you realize that your husband has drunk?

What comes to mind when you realize that your husband is drinking? what deep fear is hidden behind irritation and anger at her husband?

Sometimes, this is the desire to control, so that everything is your way, the inadmissibility of losing control.

Sincerely, psychologist O.N. Dushkova. Skype consultations.

Hello, Natalia!
Read a small but very good book (pay attention to the chapter on codependency): http://alconar.ru/

Hello. Natalia!

You want to accept what cannot be accepted - your husband's alcohol addiction. Yes, you can't change another person. but you can change yourself. Then there will be a chance that he will begin to change.

Your husband is addicted and you are codependent. And by your behavior you, without realizing it, support your husband's dependence. Start changing your behavior (stop being a rescue, learn to set your own psychological boundaries and live your life, work to increase self-esteem and beyond.). Individual work with a psychologist and work in a group for co-dependents can help you with this. Then your husband will begin to change and, perhaps. he will be motivated to deal with his problem and learn to live without alcohol not because. what you need. but because he wants it.

If you need help, please contact. I am working on this issue.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, psychologist-consultant, St. Petersburg

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