Incompatibility of partners in intimate life what to do. Causes of sexual incompatibility and how to eliminate them
People fall in love with each other, get married, create a family, dream of a child... But, unfortunately, sometimes it happens that a couple fails to conceive a baby, although both spouses are absolutely healthy. Why is this happening?
In medicine, such situations are called incompatibility at conception. There are the following types of incompatibility:
- immune - by blood group / Rh;
- genetic - the birth of children with or with other disabilities in absolutely healthy parents.
Does this diagnosis become a sentence for a married couple, or do the spouses still have a chance to conceive an heir? And what is it - incompatibility at conception?
Causes of incompatibility at conception
The number of infertile marriages around the world is increasing every year. In Russia itself, approximately 15 percent of married couples cannot conceive a child due to the infertility of one spouse or both. The causes of infertility are distributed between both spouses almost equally: one third of cases are associated with women, one third with men, the last third are joint projects (20%) and unexplained cases (10%). Research by practitioners and scientists indicates the presence of psychogenic changes and psychological trauma in all situations of infertility.
Marriage is said to be infertile when a married couple who lives a regular sexual life does not achieve the desired pregnancy within a year. At the same time, the spouses do not use any type of contraception.
Immunological incompatibility at conception
In such cases, couples are often given a disappointing diagnosis of "immunological infertility". Although conception is still possible with such a diagnosis, in the absence of constant medical supervision and appropriate treatment, pregnancy is interrupted in most cases.
First of all, if there is a suspicion of immunological incompatibility of a particular pair, a man needs to be examined, for which he will have to pass the seminal fluid for research (). This should be done in clinics specializing in family planning. The results of this analysis will determine the number and motility of spermatozoa, as well as evaluate other equally important indicators of sperm. In addition, they will confirm or, conversely, refute the presence of inflammatory diseases in the organs. genitourinary system men.
So what is immunological infertility?
This means that the immune system of a particular woman produces antibodies that destroy the sperm of a particular man. Recent studies show that in about 30 percent of cases, the cause of infertility in marriages is precisely this form of infertility, or the so-called incompatibility factor. We are talking about some kind of allergy to the sperm of a man, or, strange as it sounds, an allergic reaction of the man himself to his own seed. The reason for this is the too high amount of so-called "anti-sperm antibodies", which prevent the sperm cell from fulfilling its fertilizing function. They can be formed in the body of both men and women.
Antisperm antibodies prevent not only conception, but also affect the course of pregnancy.
So why does an “allergy” to a particular person arise? And why does the level of antisperm antibodies increase?
Antisperm antibodies - the culprits of incompatibility
There is a scientific opinion that the risk of these antibodies in a woman is directly proportional to the number of her sexual partners. An unfavorable factor can also be transferred sexual infections. But still, the main reason for the appearance of antisperm antibodies in the female body is a specific immune reaction to the seed of a particular man. Both our psyche and the brain contribute to this, which directly affect the most subtle mechanisms of the body, incl. and the reactions of the immune system itself.
The presence of a certain amount of these antibodies in a woman's body can lead to toxicosis, spontaneous abortion, or a delay in the development of the fetus. Therefore, the test for immunological compatibility must be passed to both spouses.
Often the reason for the impossibility of conception are additional complications in the form of a bicornuate uterus, ovarian malformation or cervical hypoplasia.
Rhesus conflict and incompatibility at conception
Incompatibility at conception is also possible if the spouses have different Rh factors. To successfully conceive a child, both spouses must have the same - positive or negative.
If the Rh factors are different, then problems may arise not only during the conception of a child and during pregnancy, but even after his birth (meaning the health of the newborn).
If spouses with different Rh blood factors decide to give birth to a child, they definitely need to undergo a course of special therapy before conception so that the mother's body does not subsequently reject the fetus. It should be noted that a healthier child is born in the couple where the blood type of the father is higher than that of the mother.
But there is always hope
Under no circumstances should you despair. Even in such situations, there is a fairly high chance of getting pregnant and bearing the first child. However, with subsequent pregnancies, a number of difficulties may arise.
In some cases, the mother's immunological mechanism may begin to produce antibodies against the father's Rh factor. As a result, maternal antibodies cross the placenta and begin to attack the erythrocytes of the fetus, thereby causing the development of anemia in it.
From a genetic and immunological point of view, spouses with different groups blood, but having the same RH (negative or positive). But in married couples who have the same blood type, but different Rh factors, very Great chance the occurrence of incompatibility at conception.
Compatibility test
If the spouses have not been able to conceive a baby for a long time, they both need to pass a compatibility test, for which they will have to take a blood test and undergo other related studies that the attending physician will already appoint.
But even if as a result of all the research and testing carried out, incompatibility is found for any factor - do not get depressed and do not despair. Remember: modern medicine is in constant development, in constant discoveries, which always gives potential mothers a great chance to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. And do not forget that the most important factor for conceiving a child is not so much the compatibility of the spouses as the presence of sincere feelings in them. The birth of a long-awaited baby will overcome all obstacles!
Specially for Anna Zhirko
The incompatibility of partners in about 30% of cases is the cause of infertility of a couple who wants to have a baby. And today, many are interested in questions about why a similar problem occurs and whether there are effective methods of treating it. After all, thousands of people suffer from infertility, and every year their number increases.
Partner incompatibility: what is it?
Infertility is worth thinking about if, during the year, a couple who has regular sexual intercourse without contraception could not have a child. It's no secret that quite often the cause is some kind of inflammatory or infectious disease of one of the partners or the anatomical features of the body.
But sometimes conception does not occur in a couple where both partners are perfectly healthy. In such cases, doctors, as a rule, make a not too comforting diagnosis - the incompatibility of partners. This means that, despite the normal functioning of the body, there is some factor that interferes with the process of fertilization. Such a problem can arise under the influence of various factors. In most cases, incompatibility can be corrected, but occasionally such a diagnosis can be final.
Blood type incompatibility: how dangerous is it?
In some cases, the cause of infertility is the incompatibility of partners. And here great importance it is not the group itself, but the Rh factor. It is immediately worth noting that the Rh factor is a protein compound that is located on the surface of the erythrocyte membrane. If a person has an antigen, then the Rh factor is positive (Rh +), if it is absent, then it is negative (Rh-).
Of course, in ideal Rh blood factors for both spouses must be the same. But this does not always happen. According to statistics, 85% of women on the planet have a positive Rh factor - they are out of danger. But if this protein is absent in the partner’s blood, then you should be more attentive to health.
What is Rhesus conflict?
Rhesus conflict occurs if the mother and the fetus are positive. This is possible when the specified antigen is present in the father of the child in the blood. Thus, the mother begins to produce antibodies to the “foreign” protein.
Such incompatibility of partners at conception does not mean at all that pregnancy is impossible. But the risk of interruption is much higher. According to statistics, the first pregnancy is considered relatively safe, but the second can lead to serious consequences for both the fetus and the mother.
Fortunately, given state can be controlled with special therapy. In particular, every month you need to conduct special tests on the level of the mother. And immediately three days before the birth, a woman is given a special drug that prevents the formation of antibodies. After all, childbirth is associated with the reflux of fetal blood into the mother's body, which can increase the activity of the immune system and lead to complications.
Incompatibility of microflora of partners
It's no secret that the human reproductive system has its own microflora, which is represented by beneficial bacteria. But conditionally pathogenic microorganisms also live in the mucous membrane of the genitourinary organs. For their carrier, these microbes are not dangerous, since their number is strictly controlled by the immune system. But what is safe for one partner may be dangerous for another.
This is the incompatibility of the microflora of partners. Its symptoms are usually visible - after each sexual intercourse without the use of condoms, a man or woman develops itching and burning in the vulva, and sometimes uncharacteristic discharge. Quite often, thrush develops.
It should be noted that such incompatibility only occasionally (in 2-3%) causes infertility.
What to do with microflora incompatibility?
Despite the fact that the microflora only in some cases affects the reproductive function of the body, such incompatibility brings a lot of trouble to the couple's life. And this problem should not be left to chance - it is better to immediately consult a doctor. After all, recurring candidiasis can lead to more serious diseases.
Many patients ask if there is a partner compatibility test. You can go through it in any clinic - this is a regular swab from the vagina or urethra, followed by bacteriological culture. This technique allows you to determine the type of pathogen and evaluate its sensitivity to certain drugs. As a rule, to get rid of such a nuisance, only a course of taking suitable antibacterial agents is required. Both partners should be in therapy. After that, you need to retake the tests.
Immunological incompatibility and its consequences
Quite complicated is infertility, which is associated with the immunological characteristics of the body. What is this incompatibility of partners? In such cases, for one reason or another, the female immune system begins to produce specific ones that have a detrimental effect on male spermatozoa. Thus, even completely healthy people may have difficulty conceiving.
Moreover, sometimes the male body produces antibodies to its own germ cells. In any case, the spermatozoa die, and not
Of course, even with such a problem, women sometimes manage to get pregnant. But most often, pregnancy proceeds unfavorably - immune cells damage the embryo even in the early stages of development. There is a high probability of severe toxicosis, spontaneous abortion, as well as delays in the development of the fetus. In any case, during the planning of conception, testing for the presence of antisperm antibodies is recommended for all couples who want to have a baby.
Causes of immunological incompatibility
Unfortunately, the reasons for the development of immunological incompatibility are not yet fully understood. Indeed, if in some women such an “allergic reaction” develops upon contact with the sperm of any man, then in other representatives of the fair sex, the activity of the immune system increases only when the sperm of a particular man enters the body.
In some cases, this activity of the immune system may be related to the woman's mental state, such as her fear of pregnancy or a hidden unwillingness to have a child. Some studies have shown that even pheromones can influence the production of such antibodies. In some cases, infertility is associated with hormonal disruptions or certain diseases. In any situation, special testing and additional research will be needed.
How to pass the partner compatibility test?
In fact, there are many studies to determine the compatibility of a couple. For example, if immunological causes of infertility are suspected, the following compatibility test for conception is performed. In particular, to assess the body's response to sperm, you must go to the doctor six hours after the last sexual intercourse (but no later than 12 hours). Specialists collect mucus from the cervix, after which they study it under a microscope.
Thus, it is possible to estimate the number of live and dead spermatozoa, as well as to study their motility. In this case, the pH of the vaginal environment, the degree of crystallization and the consistency of the mucus are also measured.
Sometimes couples are recommended a genetic compatibility test. After all, some partners, even if they are absolutely healthy, may be carriers of potentially dangerous genes. This study allows you to determine the possible genetic diseases of the unborn baby, as well as the degree of risk of their development.
Many believe that the sexual incompatibility of partners is just a myth. Only doctors and psychologists are not mistaken, who claim that this is one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relationships after emotional incompatibility.
As the saying goes: forewarned is forearmed. So let's study the problem together from all sides in order to take a closer look at our relationship in time and draw the right conclusions from each conflict situation.
What is sexual (sexual) incompatibility?
Scientists have not yet confirmed that it exists. Tedious disputes are still ongoing, where the opposing side believes that sexual incompatibility does not exist, but the whole point is ordinary illiteracy. This applies not only to relationships in bed, but also to the scarcity of a person’s emotional life. Only impotence, frigidity and similar deviations are considered a medical problem.
Sexologists believe that 80% of incompatibility is a far-fetched disease and can be eliminated with their help or with the participation of a psychologist. Biological incompatibility occurs only in 20% of cases.
To cope with this problem, it is worth delving deeper into it and getting to the bottom of it. Qualified specialists or specialized literature help with this.
Myths about the causes of sexual incompatibility
Many couples find that their sex life can be hindered by:
- different temperament
- Incompatible daily routine and biorhythm
- Differences in ideas about sex life
Sexologists say that all these reasons have no basis. If a couple has a misunderstanding, this indicates their immaturity in terms of sexual education.
It would seem that if everything is contrived, then it is easy to solve the problem. In fact, everything is not so. As practice shows, a person is able to inflate an elephant out of a fly. In this case, it is often necessary to observe the destruction of relationships that are heating up to the limit.
If you are faced with such a situation, the only solution is to visit a sexologist. It should be shared, as the problem is shared.
What can cause sexual incompatibility of partners?
Despite the fact that most of the reasons are far-fetched, there are real ones that can become a serious problem in family life couples, up to the inability to conceive a child. Let's consider the most common of them.
Wrong sexual intercourse
The section title should not be taken literally. This is not about the correct technique of sexual intercourse, but rather about a conflict of interest. The fact is that each person achieves sexual pleasure in different ways. If one of the partners does not take into account the wishes of the other, a misunderstanding may arise.
Often one of them does not understand why the partner remained unsatisfied, because, in his opinion, everything went perfectly. If the situation is not discussed and the wishes of the two sides are not accepted, the situation may escalate.
Sexologists say that women often face misunderstanding, since it seems to a man that all his actions are aimed at satisfying both. In practice, this is not entirely true. This behavior is explained by physiology and biological instincts, which are more aggressive in the stronger sex. There are a few tips to help avoid negative consequences:
- A man should learn to control himself, his instincts and emotions, always remember a woman, even during maximum excitement.
- Arousal must be controlled. Only in this way will the couple be able to achieve simultaneous orgasm, that is, joint satisfaction.
- Both man and woman should not be ashamed of their desires. Rather, guide each other.
Thus, the couple will be able to cope with the problem or not allow it into their lives at all.
Anatomical incompatibility
In some cases, the physiology of partners can become an obstacle in their full sexual life. If a man's penis is too large (more than 10 cm), some women experience discomfort.
Advice! Do not be upset and do not even need to go to the doctor. This problem is easy to deal with on your own, because after a while the woman's vagina reaches right size and in the relationship of the couple comes harmony. In addition, you can always choose the most pleasant postures and even specially designed exercises that a doctor can introduce you to.
Psychological incompatibility
This kind of incompatibility really has nothing to do with the psyche. The problem is not in the head, but in the wrong behavior, which is the result of the wrong sex education or lack thereof. Some have puritanical views on sex, others are more liberated, and in order to find a golden mean in this, it is important to come to an understanding.
Advice! The problem is completely solvable, but you have to work on yourself. You can do this on your own or with the help of a qualified sexologist.
Psychophysiological incompatibility
A rather rare phenomenon, which is most often the result of a difference in temperaments. One partner may experience sexual attraction much more often than the other, and conflicts arise on this basis that can lead to a break.
Advice! Again, the problem is completely solvable. The best thing to do is to be honest with each other. It is important to understand why one partner has an increased and the other has a reduced sexual desire and to determine a line of behavior that will not run counter to the interests of each.
Physiological sexual incompatibility of partners
As we said at the beginning of the article, this is a very rare occurrence, but still it has a place to be. The most common result of physical incompatibility is infertility. In addition to the fact that the causes of infertility can be various dysfunctions (uterine defects, fallopian tube pathologies, hormonal failures, testicular injuries, impotence), which can be cured and conceive a child, there is such a thing as immunological incompatibility. She will be discussed.
Immunological infertility occurs in six out of a hundred couples and has two types.
Incompatibility as a result of hormonal failure.
In this case, the problem is not far-fetched, but is the result of serious hormonal disruptions in the body. As a result, the couple cannot get pregnant, as female body simply destroys male spermatozoa, preventing them from reaching the “target”. He simply perceives them as foreign cells.
Genetic incompatibility
If a man has a positive Rh factor, and a woman has a negative one, the chances of a miscarriage increase, since the body will kill the fertilized cells.
There are many ways to overcome the problem, so do not rush to get a divorce if something suddenly goes wrong. It's better to see a doctor because modern methods treatment, if not guaranteed, then give a chance to hope.
I have one friend, a young stately handsome man of oriental blood. Not a fan, not a lover, something in between. He came to me somehow and said: "I'm getting married!" I say: “Who is this? What's your name?", and other questions from the series "of course, we're only friends, but how dare you!" He began to draw a sugary picture of what a wonderful, clean, beautiful, ideal future wife he had. "How about in bed?" - I ask, squinting maliciously. “But we didn’t have a bed and we won’t have it before the wedding.” - “How will it not? But how do you know if it really suits you or not?!"
I was indignant for a long time, intimidating him: “Suddenly you undress her, and there is a man or shapeless hairy breasts; suddenly you go to bed with her, and she starts to snore; suddenly you are unlucky, and she turns out to be an untrainable frigid; suddenly she is lying and is actually more experienced than your ninety-year-old grandmother. He silently listened, and then says: “Sexual incompatibility was invented by men to drag the girl into bed before the wedding. I love my Angela, those who put sex at the head of relationships will burn themselves about this argument of ours.
God grant them great sexual happiness, of course. But I did not cease to be tormented by doubts about the correctness of my Eastern friend. Many couples can perfectly exist together, breathe the same air, read each other's thoughts, experience a great emotional outburst, mutual respect, tenderness, and even get turned on by each other until they find themselves in the same bedroom. Only a minute ago you seemed to be a husband and wife, dear people, but now again! In you, on you, under you, a completely different person.
There are many reasons: different temperament (she needs it once every three years, he needs it once every three hours), someone can’t with the light, someone can’t without it, someone doesn’t want to take birth control, and someone doesn’t loves condoms, someone experiences pleasure only during anal sex, and someone cannot even think about it.
Even I, a person who is as loyal as possible and open to a variety of male oddities, broke up with a guy because of the barely perceptible special smell of his body. By the way, he was a hand-written handsome man, and besides, he was not stupid. After our first and last sex, he called me every day, and I even felt this smell with a shudder through the telephone receiver and politely refused, refused, refused. From him now no hearing or, thank God, the spirit.
And one of my acquaintances, in a fit of alcoholic revelations, told how her husband suited her in everything. Calm, imposing love, a lot of common acquaintances, bright joint stories, excellent living conditions. They traveled a lot, they were always interested in each other. Everyone, including the listeners of this story, considered their marriage an enviable example of absolute harmony and family well-being. But until she got drunk, we had no idea that this caring husband, PhD in Economics, a famous writer, an excellent pianist, an elegant man with an open face and a bright mind, believed that if a woman cums, then she is a whore. He did not make love to his wife, but severely punished with cold, exhausting sex, followed by alienation. Don't stop, you'll definitely feel like a whore. How compatible is that, right? This friend of mine, having swallowed a portion of whiskey in one gulp, looked at us with the bile look of a university lecturer and said: “Girls, you don’t understand. My husband is caring and kind to me. This is the best marriage of all my previous three. And if the entourage of my happiness requires it, I am ready not to finish.
According to American sexologists, one of the main reasons for the breakup of relationships is the physical incompatibility of partners. This type of incompatibility means, for example, the inconsistency of the genital organs with each other: a large penis and a small vagina, or a small penis and a large vagina. You probably won’t believe that a physiological inconsistency will allow you to destroy a real relationship. Okay, let's pretend that you only have an orgasm when you stimulate your cervix. Your boyfriend has an impressive penis size, so you have no problems with orgasm and cannot be. One fine day, he turned out to be a rare bastard, you kicked him out and found another, but with more modest dimensions. Some millimeters / centimeters separate it to the required distances. They determine your right to orgasm. And it is here that the question arises: what is female happiness? Are all difficulties surmountable, and if not all, where is the limit to our forgiveness, all-acceptance and all-embracing?
Well, here's another story for you. I work with a girl Sasha in the same office. She told me how she was madly in love with the boy Kolya at the institute. They met for exactly six months, went hiking, lived with his mother, looked happy, planned to get married. And then, bang, broke up! It turned out that after each sex, Kolya developed a suspicious rash in the groin area. This rash not only embarrassed him, but frightened him terribly. They trusted each other and together ran around a dozen doctors, took tests. As a result, it turned out that Kolya's body was incompatible with Sasha's microflora. Kolya did not like the condom. In the end, everything ended well for Kolya's groin. And Sasha is still afraid of a rash and loose relationships.
I was lucky, all the guys with whom I had to share part of my life and bed, one way or another suited me. But there was one such situation in my life. As always, I was very much in love. Tall brunet sports figure, my "Keanu Reeves" met me unexpectedly and quickly won my heart. Handsome, smart, funny, cool guy. And he loved me! What else did I want from life? Without thinking twice, we came together, began to live together, create something “our own”. Only one thing - he often went on business trips. After meeting him for a little over a year, I realized that either I had to leave him urgently, or this relationship would turn me inside out, and I could never be myself again. And the thing was this: in his absence, I was so homesick - I could neither eat normally nor do business. I didn’t even want to bathe, I didn’t want to be beautiful. She didn't want anything, she just wanted him. But as soon as he appeared, I experienced depression, headaches, and suffocation on a physical level. He annoyed me, I hated him with all my heart, sex with him seemed to me sticky and quiet to the point of horror. Did I punish him for leaving me? Not sure. The rejection was physical. He put pressure on me with his energy, I turned into a little mouse, and he into a big owl, carrying a sense of danger and anxiety. What kind of sex is there ... But he left again, and I was ready to give everything, if only he would come and rip off my panties. This story is in the past. I don't think there was any love there.
Sexual incompatibility is a strange thing. It may not give you a reason to think about yourself, and then manifest itself over the years. For example, people live together for twenty years, it seems that sex was somewhere there, at the beginning of the relationship, and there was passion. But at some point there is an alienation of bodies. They say that this happens because every seven years the male body completely renews its psychophysiological functions. This means that men change their outlook on many things. And in women, such changes occur more often. So it turns out that both of them, in fact, become completely strangers and live out of habit. And only a small percentage of couples maintain spiritual, physical, emotional, spiritual, all-encompassing intimacy. So do not rush to judge sexual compatibility ahead of time. No one is immune from the possibility of complete aversion in a seemingly perfect couple. It's just that your man suddenly went to another level. Probably just very loving person able to understand this and catch up with him.
My yoga instructor found out that I was writing an article in ELLE on the topic of sexual incompatibility, and asked me to include her short story in the material. She and her husband separated three years ago. Dispersed painfully. The reason was that the yogi woman was very fond of all sorts of pranks in bed: handcuffs, costumes, dildos and other things that, as she thought, would raise a dead horse on its hind legs. The husband reluctantly tried it, he did not like it. He began to get nervous. And she was bored without toys somehow. As a result, he began to suspect her of treason, hunt down and call names. She wanted complete trust and openness with him, but received endless accusations and domestic terrorism. She says that out of bed they had a complete idyll. Do you believe her? I'm not very...
How many more stories to tell about sexual incompatibility? I can have a few more, I can at least a hundred pieces. But, in my opinion, sexual incompatibility is a terrible myth, an excuse for outgoing love. When my friend's husband stopped having sex with her, she climbed the wall out of desperation. She talked to him, she talked to a psychologist, she tried new positions, put on new thongs, she cheated on him, she left him, she threw furniture, she calmed down and did nothing, then she threw furniture again. All her actions were directed at him alone. Love was important in this marriage, not sex at all. That's what this woman was fighting for. And her husband listened. At some point, this situation brought them even closer together. They are expecting a child.
I have very complex sexual habits. My young people do too. We are all so different, it is very difficult for all of us together. The more I meet young people, the more clearly I understand that sex is in my head, in the same place where love is, where all my experiences are. All these feelings come from one place and are closely interconnected. My Eastern friend was right after all. Now I will finish the article and go home. There is a man waiting for me, whom I love very much. And if one day in sex we become strangers, and in everyday life we remain close people, I will rummage through my head. If we don't get together in bed and this becomes a stumbling block, I'll rummage through my head again. I will rummage there in search of love: did she stay? After all, as long as I love him, our puzzle will always fit together, no matter how difficult it is.
Photo: Andrew Soule
